THE REALITY BEHIND THE MISSING SOCK

By Emily Wolfgang

We have all lost a sock or two in the dryer. Some blame it on bad luck, misplacement or even witchcraft. But, I have discovered it is only the adorable little Cryptogooymites. These small golf ball- sized creatures live in the high heat environment of the drying machine.

Cryptogooymites use the sticky substance on their feet to cling to the dryer walls (similar to the fly). If you were to actually touch the foot, it would have as much strength as a piece of duct tape. The tail, which is a crab claw-like appendage, allows the Cryptogooymites to clamp on to the sock, using their strong four-legged power to escape out of the sight of the victim awaiting his clean, dry clothes.

For camouflage, the Cryptogooymites have a heather gray turtle-like shell. The shell also protects them from tumbling into other objects in the dryer. The lizard skin helps them withstand the heat. They need little water to survive; therefore, they are able to use their large lips to suck the moisture out of the wet socks or other articles of clothing, if needed.

The male's extremely large sabertooth-type fangs are used to tear the sock to pieces, using two front limbs which have a thumb similar to a Panda's to stabilize a catch. All their nutrition is from the cotton in the socks and other fibers. (Waste appears similar to small, white lint balls which are disposed of in the dryer.)

Cryptogooymites prefer white socks, due to the chemicals used in coloring other socks, but during the mating season, more colored socks turn up missing for unsuspecting humans. This is because the male, who usually does the stealing for the family, uses bright colors to attract the female.

Their nests are located behind the dryer's rotating bin. Nests are made of lint and unwanted sock parts. The female lays the eggs and cares for them for about five months after birth, until they reach adult size. The average birth rate it two; the record for simultaneous birth is five eggs in one nest. (Discovered June 8, 1983.) The female's teeth are smaller in order to feed her young, mouth to mouth.

One family of Cryptogooymites occupies almost every dryer in America. They travel from dryer to dryer via clothesbaskets by clinging to large articles of clothing.

Although they have altered hard parts, fossilization is very difficult. They live in a very active environment for fossilization and have a life span of five to seven years. One fossil has been reported. It was found in the lint compartment of a thirty-year old dryer which had never been cleaned and was highly impacted.

We finally discovered the truth behind the sock thefts. Please do not destroy one of these critters if you find one. Research is still being done on the Cryptogooymites and specimens are needed.

The legend behind the Cryptogooymites is that they steal socks and turn them into coat hangers, but this is highly unlikely. Continuing investigation is being done on the subject.